Wednesday: Psalm 119.129-176, Genesis 50, Matthew 8.1-17

From Amanda Bennett

I open my mouth and pant, because I long for your commandments. - Psalm 119:131

Aches I can’t fill and dreams I’m not promised simmer under the surface my daily life, barely hidden by my busyness. Of all the things I’m longing for, God’s commandments fall near the bottom of the list. I ask what God wants from me, but then I hear my prayers become recitations of the arguments in favor of my choices. I ask for God’s will to be done, and then I hear myself cajoling and pleading like I could find a string of words that would unlock a secret future. I ask for God’s help, and then I feel myself close my eyes to any deliverance but the one I already imagined. I’m in a quiet frenzy, scrambling to figure out what I want so that I can persuade God that it is what he should want for me.

This week I slammed into a wall, and I realized that God cannot be manipulated. God will be who God will be, and I can keep throwing myself against that truth until I break apart or I can let it be a shelter I build my life on. God’s commandments are a relief from the burden of swimming through my own desires trying to conform the world to my needs, not another hurdle to negotiate on the way to fulfilling my hopes. In the end, beneath all the fantasies of the life I try to build, I crave the solid of weight of truth, the God who is breaking in and bringing reality.

I live in Dorchester and study theology at Boston College. I moved to Boston four years ago to pursue my dream of living in Boston and have been at CotC ever since. I have had a countdown to Easter Vigil on my phone since before Advent started. I cut my own hair and cry at movies.